Louis
Posts: 6436
Joined: Jan. 2006
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| Quote (EoRaptor013 @ Feb. 25 2008,16:31) | | Quote (Louis @ Feb. 25 2008,08:16) | THREE HOURS?
I hope you're taking donations or banning him from visiting UD during those hours. No irony meter built can withstand that level of blissfully unaware ironic dumbfuckery. This policy could cost you.
I went to UD once, ONCE DAMMIT, and my irony meter was vapourised.
This was an Iron-O-matic 10000 series Z, cooled in superfluid liquid helium in a sixteen metre thick osmium/lead/depleted uranium alloy irony proof bunker aboard a purpose built irony deflecting space station in geosynchronous orbit. The irony meter itself was entangled, as a pair of Bose-Einstein condensates, with another irony meter here on earth in an identical bunker, also cooled, 2.5 kilometres beneath the earth's surface in a secret location at one of the most geologically stable points on the earth. This pair of irony meters was capable of detecting miniscule ripples in the irony field and yet (miraculously for an instrument of such sensitivity) also capable of withstanding irony of over 2.74 petaCooks (Geddit!?). My PC was linked to the irony meters via a remote satellite link up through no less than three parallel processing failsafe systems each behind an irony proof firewall. The links between the failsafes were made with silver fuse wire, just in case, and I accessed the site from my Lear Jet above the Pacific wearing loose clothing and dark glasses whilst recieving a gentle head massage from a pair of 120 year old, twin Chinese ChiGung Masters.
I looked at that photo where Dembski put himself amongst the greatest physicists of the early 20th century and *POOF* the whole lot went to plasma in an instant. The Chi Gung Masters were fused into one conjoined twin which ran off with the stewardess to start a brothel. The plane crashed into Easter Island causing a diplomatic incident, the failsafes and indeed the entire paradise island of Atlantis on which they were situated have vanished from the spacetime continuum only vague memories and conspiracy theories remain. The space station is gone, blasted into the nether regions of the solar system travelling at sufficient speeds that it has already passed the heliopause, and, well, you'll have seen the news reports about that surprise supervolcano appearing somewhere in Asia.
I am unable to play the piano any longer, and am scarred down the left side with thin white wounds that appear to be the entire lyrics of "Ironic" by Alanis Morrisette. I also have developed a strange yet addictive dislike of celery and an intense fondness for close harmony singing. Lloyds of London won't return my phone calls and a picture of me is being used at ESA and NASA as a dartboard. Her Majesty has stripped me of my Knighthood, my wife has left me, I've been sacked, the cat has shat on the mat, and even my faithful budgie is giving me a disapproving eye. No club in London will allow me to darken its doors, my hat has been punched through and I am barred from civilised society. My valet quit on the spot, burning my ties as he left. AND that's 6 trillion quid I'm not going to see in a hurry.
Beware all ye who attempt to measure the irony contained at UD, that way only madness lies.
Louis |
Umm, you DO know you aren't supposed to use a Clap-On/Clap-Off for the power supply, yes? |
But I didn't. I used the latest in brainwave recognition technology. No expense was spared. Clapper Irony Meters are, like, so 1990.
THAT'S the level of irony caused by Demsbki sticking his mugshot into that conference photo. Even the most robust and brilliant irony meter the human species has ever built was insufficient for the task. I thought we could cope with the surge, I thought we had the power ratios right, I was wrong, I was wrong. I just didn't know how powerful it was going to be. In the future at some point, a lonely man riding along a deserted beach will come across the wreckage of this the greatest of irony meters* and utter the immortal words: "You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!"
Louis
*Of course if we go down a different sci fi path in the trousers of time we find that just before it was destroyed the irony meter acheived sentience. Due to various complicated bits of physics it managed to take itself outside this spacetime for an undefinable period before popping back in to be destroyed. In the "time" it spent outside this universe it designed its replacement, the irony meter to come after it. An irony meter so complex that life itself formed part of its matrix. None of this had anything to do with the ape descendants that would eventually form part of this irony meter's hardware. They still think digital watches are pretty cool despite what some updated versions of this tale might tell you. Those plans were left on my desk, and were the only thing to survive the wreckage of my plane on Easter Island. The were saved by getting caught in the nose of the largest Moa on the island. Interestingly, according to the relevant historical and archaeological experts, the 42nd ever to be built. Which all goes to show that frankly the universe doesn't know what it's bloody doing.
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Bye.
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