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  Topic: I spoke to God, He is REALLY loud< Next Oldest | Next Newest >  
PuckSR



Posts: 314
Joined: Nov. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 14 2006,21:04   

Last night I spoke with God.  It went fairly well, He was genuinely nice.  If it hadn't been so late at night, I would have liked to have talked with him for a bit longer.

I asked him about the Bible.  He said that he disliked some of the poetic license that had been taken with the stories.  He particularly didnt appreciate all of that stuff about Abraham(apparently Sarah wasn't really Abraham's half-sister).  I asked him why He would allow his name to be attached to a book that didnt accurately depict Him, and He told me that it was an issue of "creative freedom".  His name shows up in many other texts, but He never tries to influence any of the authors.

We spoke for awhile about this whole Evo vs Creo debate.  He thought it was kind of cute.  Oh, by the way, logic is apparently what God considers a joke.  He created it mostly to confuse people.  Half of the population considers logic as a solid ground for making conclusions, and the other half doesn't believe in it.  I asked Him if he had designed anything in biological creatures, and He told me He had.  Apparently God is responsible for men having nipples.  He explained that there was actually a way for biology to avoid unisex body parts, but He thought they were "cute".  I swear to Him, that is the word He used.

Anyway, Im getting side-tracked.  

I also talked to him about evil.  He actually had a really good explanation for evil in the world.  I cannot actually tell you what it is, all I can say is that we shouldn't really be worrying about it.

The most interesting part of the conversation came when I asked Him to show me ####.  It was interesting because IT DOESNT EXIST.  I thought this was odd, but He explained it to me.  He!! doesnt exist because it is unnecessary.  He!! would only be necessary if we knew for certain that it existed.  If you dont know positively that a punishment exists, and the rules are not even very clear, how can you be expected to follow the rules?  What good does it do to punish people who didnt even know that the punishment exists?

He told me that bad people(evil people) are rare.  Those who are evil do not exist in Heaven, but that I shouldn't really worry about it.  Most people are good.

Well, I think He might call back tonight, so if anyone has any questions they want me to ask him....I will try to see if He will answer.

Anyways, talk to you later.

  
GCT



Posts: 1001
Joined: Aug. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,03:57   

Ask him if he can make a burrito so hot that even he can't eat it.

  
Renier



Posts: 276
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,04:26   

GCT! You should be ashamed. This is the once in a lifetime chance to speak to the big G, and you ask a silly question (btw, I also want to know, cuase I want one).

However, I do have a question and it is one I have been contemplating for years now. What rocks makes the best pet rocks?

  
stevestory



Posts: 13407
Joined: Oct. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,04:27   

ask him who his boss is. Is it Mr. Tanaka?

   
GCT



Posts: 1001
Joined: Aug. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,04:30   

Sorry Renier, but burritos sure are tasty.

Ask him, "How are you doing?"

(For all the fans of the Tick cartoon.)

  
Renier



Posts: 276
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,04:44   

I am doing fine, thanks for asking GCT. :p I am sure BWE will be on my case for impersonating him, ie God, ie BWE. lol

  
Stephen Elliott



Posts: 1776
Joined: Oct. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,05:44   

I would like to know the secret to eternal Life/Good health.

If more than 1 is allowed I would also like to know the result of every sporting event about 3 hours before it starts.

  
Arden Chatfield



Posts: 6657
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,05:47   

BART: You met the Big Guy, Dad? What's He like?

HOMER: Perfect teeth, nice smell, class act all the way!

--------------
"Rich is just mad because he thought all titties had fur on them until last week when a shorn transvestite ruined his childhood dreams by jumping out of a spider man cake and man boobing him in the face lips." - Erasmus

  
PuckSR



Posts: 314
Joined: Nov. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,06:00   

Ok, well another eventful night last night.  Either I got too drunk, or me and God spoke again.  I asked him some of the questions...here are the responses.

Quote
Ask him if he can make a burrito so hot that even he can't eat it.


He said that was stupid.  Why would anyone make burritos so hot that they couldn't be eaten.  They are delicious.

Quote
However, I do have a question and it is one I have been contemplating for years now. What rocks makes the best pet rocks?


He said granite.  I asked him why, but apparently it is a secret.

Quote
ask him who his boss is. Is it Mr. Tanaka?

He said that being God is an entrepreneurship.

Quote
I would like to know the secret to eternal Life/Good health.

If more than 1 is allowed I would also like to know the result of every sporting event about 3 hours before it starts.


The secret to eternal life/good health is:
1.  Dont get sick
2.  Dont die
3.  Dont get old

Oh, and here is the result to every sporting event....
Someone will either win, or both teams will tie.  On a few rare occurences the games will be delayed or cancelled due to weather.  

Hope that helps.

  
Arden Chatfield



Posts: 6657
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,06:02   

Could you ask Him if He knows who killed JFK?

--------------
"Rich is just mad because he thought all titties had fur on them until last week when a shorn transvestite ruined his childhood dreams by jumping out of a spider man cake and man boobing him in the face lips." - Erasmus

  
GCT



Posts: 1001
Joined: Aug. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,07:06   

Could you ask him if he is The Intelligent Designer that I keep hearing so much about?

  
Ichthyic



Posts: 3325
Joined: May 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,09:55   

Quote
Last night I spoke with God.


funny, I speak with God all the time, and your name hasn't come up yet.

--------------
"And the sea will grant each man new hope..."

-CC

  
Arden Chatfield



Posts: 6657
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,10:07   

Quote (Ichthyic @ June 15 2006,14:55)
Quote
Last night I spoke with God.


funny, I speak with God all the time, and your name hasn't come up yet.

A different God?

--------------
"Rich is just mad because he thought all titties had fur on them until last week when a shorn transvestite ruined his childhood dreams by jumping out of a spider man cake and man boobing him in the face lips." - Erasmus

  
Ichthyic



Posts: 3325
Joined: May 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,10:21   

not that I've heard, but hey, God might be biased.

--------------
"And the sea will grant each man new hope..."

-CC

  
Arden Chatfield



Posts: 6657
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,10:24   

Quote (Ichthyic @ June 15 2006,15:21)
not that I've heard, but hey, God might be biased.

I dunno, I spoke with Vishnu once, and he hadn't heard of any of my friends or relatives. He sure seemed to know a lot of people from India, though.

--------------
"Rich is just mad because he thought all titties had fur on them until last week when a shorn transvestite ruined his childhood dreams by jumping out of a spider man cake and man boobing him in the face lips." - Erasmus

  
Ichthyic



Posts: 3325
Joined: May 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,11:03   

vishnu, vishnu....

nope, God says they've never heard of them.

;)

--------------
"And the sea will grant each man new hope..."

-CC

  
PuckSR



Posts: 314
Joined: Nov. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,12:15   

Quote
Could you ask Him if He knows who killed JFK?


He says "a bullet".

Quote
Could you ask him if he is The Intelligent Designer that I keep hearing so much about?


He wouldnt say, but he kept mumbling something about Calvin Klein?

Quote
funny, I speak with God all the time, and your name hasn't come up yet.

Really?  Must be an issue of theological confidentiality.

Quote
I dunno, I spoke with Vishnu once, and he hadn't heard of any of my friends or relatives. He sure seemed to know a lot of people from India, though.


That's funny...cause this God says He also gets called Brahma sometimes....but then again...He knows everybody.

BTW...God apologized for AFDave.
He told me that when trying to plan a final product 300 trillion years ago...sometimes it winds up flawed.

  
Arden Chatfield



Posts: 6657
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,12:26   

Okay... I admit this is kind of a touchy issue... but since you've got this direct line and all, I figured I should ask.

Ask Him: did he really tell me to kill all those people back in '72, or was I just imagining things?

'Cause if I did just imagine it, it puts me in a kind of, uh, embarrassing predicament...

--------------
"Rich is just mad because he thought all titties had fur on them until last week when a shorn transvestite ruined his childhood dreams by jumping out of a spider man cake and man boobing him in the face lips." - Erasmus

  
qetzal



Posts: 311
Joined: Feb. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,14:07   

Quote (PuckSR @ June 15 2006,11:00)
Ok, well another eventful night last night.  Either I got too drunk, or me and God spoke again.  I asked him some of the questions...here are the responses.

 
Quote
Ask him if he can make a burrito so hot that even he can't eat it.


He said that was stupid.  Why would anyone make burritos so hot that they couldn't be eaten.  They are delicious.

Can you please tell Him that my personal favorites are carne asada burritos from Roberto's, especially the one in Del Mar ('cause you can eat them on the beach). Was He the one who taught Roberto how to make such great burritos? I bet He was!

  
AnthonyK



Posts: 2
Joined: June 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,14:14   

Ask him why he gave gay men arseholes.

No, but seriously - could he ask his believers to praise him a bit more quietly?  The noise is doing my head in.

  
stevestory



Posts: 13407
Joined: Oct. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,14:14   

Did He have any part in inspiring the greatest Elton John song ever, Amoreena? Because I'm not sure a mere mortal could have created that.

   
PuckSR



Posts: 314
Joined: Nov. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,14:27   

Quote
Can you please tell Him that my personal favorites are carne asada burritos from Roberto's, especially the one in Del Mar ('cause you can eat them on the beach). Was He the one who taught Roberto how to make such great burritos? I bet He was!


God didnt create the burrito, nor did He teach Roberto how to make one.  He did invent paradilla platter, apparently someone asked Him what was the best meat to put on a taco...and He said "all of 'em"

Quote
No, but seriously - could he ask his believers to praise him a bit more quietly?  The noise is doing my head in.

I didnt ask Him about that, but apparently God is partly deaf.  This explains His heavy usage of thunder, and the reason prayers never get answered.

Quote
Did He have any part in inspiring the greatest Elton John song ever, Amoreena? Because I'm not sure a mere mortal could have created that.


Nah, that is the exclusive work of Bernie Taupin.
He only wrote one song, and He still regrets it...
God wrote the Macarena...

  
George



Posts: 316
Joined: Feb. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,02:56   

Quote

God wrote the Macarena...


Now THAT'S blasphemy.

  
stevestory



Posts: 13407
Joined: Oct. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,04:45   

Elton John? I KNEW IT. Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you, homo. -dt

   
BWE



Posts: 1902
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,07:31   

You guys should really read my blog. This is all old news.

One guy who talked to god

jesus talks :)

--------------
Who said that ev'ry wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it
Look what it's done so far

The Daily Wingnut

   
Arden Chatfield



Posts: 6657
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,10:50   

Quote (stevestory @ June 16 2006,09:45)
Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you, homo. -dt

Good one! From the Kentucky relatives?

--------------
"Rich is just mad because he thought all titties had fur on them until last week when a shorn transvestite ruined his childhood dreams by jumping out of a spider man cake and man boobing him in the face lips." - Erasmus

  
stevestory



Posts: 13407
Joined: Oct. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,12:39   

LOL I don't remember. Probably tv.

   
Ved



Posts: 398
Joined: Oct. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,12:55   

Quote
Probably tv.

I believe that wonderful man Mr. Colbert said that recently, no? Though I'd be surprised if he was the originator...

 
Quote
BTW...God apologized for AFDave.
He told me that when trying to plan a final product 300 trillion years ago...sometimes it winds up flawed.

LOL indeed. Tell Him I understand. HE can't be responsible for the things people do with their free will.

  
Crabby Appleton



Posts: 250
Joined: May 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,15:22   

Are you still speaking to him? I have two questions. What brand of toilet paper does he use? I'll bet it's the best!

Here's the big one, If Jesus died for my sins, what do I have to die for?

  
Ichthyic



Posts: 3325
Joined: May 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,21:55   

Quote
what do I have to die for?


crabby!  I'm surprised at you.  As an upstanding member of the Church of the Subgenius, you KNOW what you have to die for.

slacker.

;)

--------------
"And the sea will grant each man new hope..."

-CC

  
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