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+--Forum: After the Bar Closes...
+---Topic: MY MANIFESTO started by Richardthughes


Posted by: Richardthughes on Aug. 13 2010,09:36

All cranks must codify their crankery at some time. This is where I'll be doing mine.


Current thought: The Wedding Fine.

I don't like weddings.

1) Boring
2) Formal
3) Airline food and I get served last
4) Can get too churchy
5) Shoite music
6) Tediously long
7) expensive

I don't think blokes should have to go. But clearly you don't want to be guilted and griefed by the happy couple* so I'm proposing 'the wedding fine'.

Here's how it works. You just give them the total money you would have spent** on the wedding. And that's it. They get a tidy sum as they build thier new life together but there is the new social norm that you did a good thing (weddings can be ghastly displays of ephemeral, conspicuous consumption) but the real benefit is no-one is allowed to consider you a shitty friend or become upset. No "Well I went to yours" type shoite.

The likely ramifications are that weddings will become private, intimate affairs. I can see more zombie killing in 'Left for Dead' 2 during summer weekends. Weddings may become events where the groom is the only male attendee. Maybe he should be allowed to pay the fine, also?

* Let's be honest - it'll be the bride who griefs you. And holds onto it forever.

** Think about this in its entirety - airfare, hotel, rental car, BAR TAB plus the gift you were going to give anyway. You sir are a fabulous human being for being so generous!
Posted by: khan on Aug. 13 2010,09:41

My wedding involved 5 people and ~$200.

My wedding gifts are cash (paypal check or physical bills in a nice box).
Posted by: Albatrossity2 on Aug. 13 2010,09:45

Quote (Richardthughes @ Aug. 13 2010,09:36)
** Think about this in its entirety - airfare, hotel, rental car, BAR TAB plus the gift you were going to give anyway. You sir are a fabulous human being for being so generous!
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


That settles it, Rich. I'll definitely be inviting you to my wedding (if I ever have another).
Posted by: J-Dog on Aug. 13 2010,09:46

Two quick thoughts come to mind in reply to your wisdom:

1.)  I take you more for the Wedding Crasher type guy. (The Vince Vaughn character, not the Owen Wilson guy.)

2.)  I also take you for the guy that would rather always be a wedding guest than the wedding victim participant.*




* Just kidding dearest!  I have really enjoyed being married to you for the last 100 years.  What?  Oh.  Never mind.
Posted by: Richardthughes on Aug. 13 2010,09:48

Quote (Albatrossity2 @ Aug. 13 2010,09:45)
Quote (Richardthughes @ Aug. 13 2010,09:36)
** Think about this in its entirety - airfare, hotel, rental car, BAR TAB plus the gift you were going to give anyway. You sir are a fabulous human being for being so generous!
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


That settles it, Rich. I'll definitely be inviting you to my wedding (if I ever have another).
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Bastard!
Posted by: khan on Aug. 13 2010,09:51

I'd invite all of you if there were a chance in hell I'd ever get married again.
Posted by: J-Dog on Aug. 13 2010,09:57

Oh!  And I forgot to say that your idea is a great one, and makes a hell of a lot of sense.  It will never work. Therefore, ID!
Posted by: Robin on Aug. 13 2010,10:41

Clearly you have neglected to adjust for human behavior in your concept. Think about this for a minute: you are merely giving bridezillas (and the occasional groomzilla) the incentive to host ridiculously remote, logistically irresponsible weddings.

Bride: "Mmmmm...'Wedding Fine', ehh? Oh...I'll show him a fine..."

Announcement: Mr. and Mrs. Parents Bridezilla request the honor of your presence (and Presents) for the marriage of our daughter and that groomguy.

Date: February X, 2013

Reception: Bouvet Island, Norway. Try Google Earth.

Wedding: Aucanquilcha Mine, Chile, (6,176 m (20,262 ft) ). Please bring hiking boots

Bride: "Top THAT Mr. Wedding Fine!"
Posted by: carlsonjok on Aug. 13 2010,10:47

Umm, Rich?  Shouldn't you be calling it your HOMOFESTO?
Posted by: Richardthughes on Aug. 13 2010,10:49

I see your point, but in that case I'd have no qualms about not going as it's unreasonable - so my fine would be zero (the cost of my trip) and they'd only get the basic gift (steak knives).

So the happy couple must walk the tightrope. If they get too greedy they will get no fines, no gifts and still have to go to Mars to get married.

I appreciate your input, though. You'll get a footnote in the manifesto.
Posted by: Richardthughes on Aug. 13 2010,10:51

Quote (carlsonjok @ Aug. 13 2010,10:47)
Umm, Rich? †Shouldn't you be calling it your HOMOFESTO?
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


HOMOFISTO would have been funnier, Horsebotherer.
Posted by: carlsonjok on Aug. 13 2010,10:57

Quote (Richardthughes @ Aug. 13 2010,10:49)
they'd only get the basic gift (steak knives).
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


What about berry spoons? †Everybody eats berries.

/Coen brothers joke
Posted by: khan on Aug. 13 2010,11:03

Will same-sex marriages result in two bridezillas?
Posted by: Richardthughes on Aug. 13 2010,11:14

Quote (khan @ Aug. 13 2010,11:03)
Will same-sex marriages result in two bridezillas?
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Another reason this rule should go into effect. I couldn't handle 3 hours of Carlson and Tarden griding against each other to "the village people's greatest hits".
Posted by: Albatrossity2 on Aug. 13 2010,11:18

Quote (Richardthughes @ Aug. 13 2010,11:14)
Quote (khan @ Aug. 13 2010,11:03)
Will same-sex marriages result in two bridezillas?
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Another reason this rule should go into effect. I couldn't handle 3 hours of Carlson and Tarden griding against each other to "the village people's greatest hits".
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Sure, that's what you say here. But we all know you'd love it! Especially if FtK was on the guest list too.
Posted by: Amadan on Aug. 13 2010,11:24

This is a marvellous idea. I think we should extend it to funerals.
A bright business opportunity beckons in the provision of:

  • Insta-Sniff pre-soggied tissues so that absent relatives donít have to come hundreds of miles to generate their own
  • Mumbled Platitude Tokens to be sent to the relict (premium tokens count for a fleeting handshake as well!)
  • Web-based software allowing family members not present to bitch about the deceased (oh, I see Facebook got there already)
  • Proxy-pigs, who will eat all food in the deceasedís familyís house so you donít have to!


Next: The BRIS FINEÖ
Posted by: carlsonjok on Aug. 13 2010,11:35

Quote (Richardthughes @ Aug. 13 2010,11:14)
†  
Quote (khan @ Aug. 13 2010,11:03)
Will same-sex marriages result in two bridezillas?
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Another reason this rule should go into effect. I couldn't handle 3 hours of Carlson and Tarden griding against each other to "the village people's greatest hits".
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


A
Posted by: Richardthughes on Aug. 13 2010,11:37

Amadan gets to be my first devote, My Vmartin, if you will! spread_teh_wurdz!
Posted by: Amadan on Aug. 13 2010,11:47

Ummm, can I just send out a memo asking everyone to do it for themselves?
Posted by: rhmc on Aug. 13 2010,11:58

if the "wedding fine" becomes wide spread, one could just send fake wedding invitations out every couple of years and reap the benefits...
Posted by: dvunkannon on Aug. 13 2010,12:06

Dang, Rich! Couldn't you have published this before June 4th? I need steak knives!


ETA: My Williams-Sonoma registry is still open.
Posted by: carlsonjok on Aug. 13 2010,12:22

Quote (Richardthughes @ Aug. 13 2010,11:37)
Amadan gets to be my first devote, My Vmartin, if you will!
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Your Tenzig Norgay?

/another Coen brothers joke.
Posted by: Amadan on Aug. 13 2010,13:27

At least it's not his Bosie.


(Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course)
Posted by: Richardthughes on Aug. 23 2010,14:58

SAGE WORDS:

< http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=fashion >
Posted by: J-Dog on Aug. 23 2010,20:46

Quote (Richardthughes @ Aug. 23 2010,14:58)
SAGE WORDS:

< http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=fashion >
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


I can't solve ALL of your problems, but this might help your croc problem... or at least minimize the amount of people that wear "croc shoes." †It would be addition through subtraction.



Now if only someone would set one of these bad boys loose in the Chicago River...
Posted by: rossum on Aug. 24 2010,06:24

Quote (J-Dog @ Aug. 23 2010,20:46)
Now if only someone would set one of these bad boys loose in the Chicago River...
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Too late, the French have it in Bordeaux...



rossum
Posted by: Richardthughes on Jan. 05 2011,12:09

If some one says "kill me now" to you, you'll be allowed to.
Posted by: Richardthughes on Jan. 05 2011,12:10

If some one says "kill me now" to you, you'll be allowed to.
Posted by: Amadan on Jan. 07 2011,02:07

If someone says "kill me now" to you three times, you'll have to do it.
Posted by: Bob O'H on Jan. 07 2011,03:47

Quote (khan @ Aug. 13 2010,09:51)
I'd invite all of you if there were a chance in hell I'd ever get married again.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Looks like you'll have to get married to albatrossity, then.

For my marriage, we invited one person - the witness. We tried to get PhysioProf, but he had a church fair or something that day.
Posted by: Reciprocating Bill on Jan. 07 2011,06:19

Quote (Bob O'H @ Jan. 07 2011,04:47)
Quote (khan @ Aug. 13 2010,09:51)
I'd invite all of you if there were a chance in hell I'd ever get married again.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Looks like you'll have to get married to albatrossity, then.

For my marriage, we invited one person - the witness. We tried to get PhysioProf, but he had a church fair or something that day.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Did somebody at least play Taco Bell's Cannon?
Posted by: J-Dog on Jan. 07 2011,07:55

Quote (Reciprocating Bill @ Jan. 07 2011,06:19)
Quote (Bob O'H @ Jan. 07 2011,04:47)
Quote (khan @ Aug. 13 2010,09:51)
I'd invite all of you if there were a chance in hell I'd ever get married again.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Looks like you'll have to get married to albatrossity, then.

For my marriage, we invited one person - the witness. We tried to get PhysioProf, but he had a church fair or something that day.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Did somebody at least play Taco Bell's Cannon?
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


And we also want to know how much Cheese Sauce did you use on your honeymoon! :)
Posted by: paragwinn on Jan. 07 2011,09:04

Quote (Richardthughes @ Aug. 13 2010,09:36)
but the real benefit is no-one is allowed to consider you a shitty friend or become upset. No "Well I went to yours" type shoite.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Another benefit should include exemption from any and all forced viewings of the Wedding video(s) and/or pictures.
Posted by: Richardthughes on Jan. 07 2011,09:18

Quote (paragwinn @ Jan. 07 2011,09:04)
Quote (Richardthughes @ Aug. 13 2010,09:36)
but the real benefit is no-one is allowed to consider you a shitty friend or become upset. No "Well I went to yours" type shoite.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Another benefit should include exemption from any and all forced viewings of the Wedding video(s) and/or pictures.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


I trust I can count on your vote when the time comes, then?
Posted by: paragwinn on Jan. 08 2011,00:02

Quote (Richardthughes @ Jan. 07 2011,09:18)
 
Quote (paragwinn @ Jan. 07 2011,09:04)
Quote (Richardthughes @ Aug. 13 2010,09:36)
but the real benefit is no-one is allowed to consider you a shitty friend or become upset. No "Well I went to yours" type shoite.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Another benefit should include exemption from any and all forced viewings of the Wedding video(s) and/or pictures.
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


I trust I can count on your vote when the time comes, then?
---------------------QUOTE-------------------


Of course. Perhaps, though, an amendment can be added to cover Birthing videos as well. As a participant, I gratefully cherish the experience, but as a captive audience, not so much.
end


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