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  Topic: UnReasonable Kansans thread, AKA "For the kids"< Next Oldest | Next Newest >  

Posts: 376
Joined: Sep. 2002

(Permalink) Posted: Feb. 06 2009,14:59   

The Firesign Theatre had a great creation myth (and subsequent scientific explanation):

“Before the beginning, there was this turtle. And the turtle was alone. And he looked around. And he saw his neighbor, which was his mother, and he lay down on top of his neighbor, and behold, she bore him in tears an oak tree, which grew all day, and then fell over, like a bridge. And lo, under the bridge there came a catfish, and he was very big, and he was walking, and he was the biggest he had seen. And so, with the firey balls of this fish, one of which is the sun, and the other, they called the moon.”

Yes, some uncomplicated peoples still believe this myth. But here in the technical vastness of The Future, we can guess that surely, the past was very different. We know for certain, for instance, that for some reason, for some time in the beginning, there were hot lumps. Cold and lonely, they whirled noiselessly through the black holes of space.

These insignificant lumps came together to form the first union, our sun, the heating system. And about this glowing gas bag, rotated the Earth, a cat’s eye among aggies, blinking in astonishment across the face of time.

Well, we were covered with a molten scum of rocks, bobbing on the surface like rats. Later, when there was less heat, these giant rock groups settled down among the land masses. During this extinct time, our Earth was like a steam room, and no one, not even man, could get in. However, the oceans and the sewers were simmering with a rich protein stew, and the mountains moved in to surround and protect them. They didn’t know then that living as we know it was already taking over.

Animals without backbones hid from each other, or fell down. Clamosaurs and oysterettes appeared as appetizers. Then came the sponges, which sucked up about 10% of all life. Hundreds of years later, in the Late Devouring Period, fish became obnoxious. Trailerbites, chiggerbites, and muskquitoes collided aimlessly in the dense gas. Finally, tiny, edible plants sprang up in rows, giving birth to generations of insecticides and other small, dying creatures.

Millions of months passed, and, 28 days later, the moon appeared. This small change was reflected best, perhaps, in the sand dollar, which shrank to almost nothing at the bottom of the pool, where even dumb amphibians like catfish laid their eggs in the boiling waters, only to be gobbled up every three minutes by the giant sea orphans and jungle bunnies, which scared everybody. And so, IN FEAR AND HOT WATER, MAN IS BORN!!!


Those who know the truth are not equal to those who love it-- Confucius

  10202 replies since Mar. 17 2007,23:38 < Next Oldest | Next Newest >  

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